The Joy of Motherhood

It’s 10pm and though I put my newborn to bed hours ago, I’m up in a pitch black bedroom typing this on my laptop with what little time I have before the inevitable crying and waking for a feeding and diaper change.

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Welcome to motherhood. 

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Life before a kid

I was always on the fence when it came to having children. My childhood was less than idyllic and I wasn’t too willing to have a child go through the same experience. So I was extra cautious when it came to deciding to start a family. I had actively avoided dating for most of my twenties because I just didn’t see the point of marriage and children weren’t in my plans. But I had a change of heart when I turned 26, got married at 30 and became a mom at 34.

Motherhood met me at the right time. I had done a lot of work on myself, addressed the traumas from my past and am probably the most emotionally, financially, stable I’ve ever been. My daughter is only two months old so I can only share what postpartum, the “4th trimester”, has been like. 

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Labor & delivery

My pregnancy was uneventful. I had no issues and no reasons to worry. My doctor's appointment were always short since there wasn’t much going on and towards the end I had to remind them they owed me an ultrasound or two. 

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Until week 36. 

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That’s when I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension and induced at 37 weeks. I had some friends ask if I could try to go the full 40 weeks but I’m glad I didn’t. Because my blood pressure went even higher after I delivered and stayed like that for two weeks before it came back down. Plus, I had friends that had serious complications from high BP during their pregnancy. So the induction was a good call for me. 

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I was not ready for labor or delivery. Not mentally anyway. I worked right up until the induction with about a few days off before going to the hospital in an ice storm. I was prepared in all the ways I could be: hospital bag packed, postpartum meals cooked, newborn classes, toured the hospital. Things were handled. But mentally, I was not prepared for what was to come. 

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I went into the hospital starting at 0cm dilated, 0% effaced, essentially ground zero. All the medical interventions were pushing my body into a state it didn’t want to be in. When it was time to push, I don’t think my baby was ready to leave either. 

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I had a very loose and flexible birth plan:

• I survive
• Baby survives
• I eat sushi

The details could be filled in as time went on because I knew nothing would go according to plan anyway because the baby has a mind of her own.

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The pain ramping up from mild period-like cramps to audible groans as the meds kick in was a real shock. Like you know it’s going to hurt but it’s so different when you’re in the middle of the pain, and being told you’re only 3 cm and have hours more to go. I realized there was a mountain the size of Mount Everest ahead of me. Not to mention the cervical checks, pricks and prods, I/V insertion, monitors beeping... I tried really hard to create a relaxing experience with essential oils & music but after a while, the entire experience was uncomfortable. So I got the epidural (and fetanyl at some point too). No regrets on that.  

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I kept telling myself, the only way out of this is through. Push through the discomfort. Embrace it. Because mentally running wouldn’t be helpful.

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When it was time to push, I was looking around to see if anyone was willing to swap places with me but no. It’s on me to do this. So I pushed for 2.5 hours and my sweet, beautiful little girl was plopped on my chest, crying and full of life. What a miracle. All the pain & pushing was worth it.

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The 4th trimester

I had a really pleasant postpartum experience the first month. My therapist said my depression score was the lowest it had ever been. I’m still wrapping my head around why it went so well. I fall into the small camp of women in which motherhood did not stress me out but brought me so much joy. Even today, I have many things that bring stress into my life and my daughter is not one of them. I don’t find her to be a burden whatsoever. 

The nights with very little sleep early on were hard but we’re learning her and figuring her out, even as she changes. The months of insomnia during my pregnancy may have prepared me for the late night feedings. I can put on a show or scroll social media to pass the time and before long, I’m putting her back in her bassinet and going bed. 

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Joy of Motherhood

Leading up to my postpartum, I heard so many friends and moms online complain about the difficulties with being a mom and taking care of a baby. And really the shock of the demands of the 4th trimester. So I did my best to prepare and put together a page and half long postpartum plan. What little worries I had faded away when she arrived. The motherly instincts kicked in big time. 

I can’t describe what it feels like becoming a mother but I really wish that as much as everyone talks about the challenges, they talked about the bliss. I have never loved anything or anyone this much and I can’t believe we made her. I could stare at her all day. People are encouraging me to slowly get back to my life but a part of me is perfectly content here. Dirty diapers and all.

So I’m only two months in, covered in spit up half the time, but I’m happy as a clam.

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